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Stop Relying on Others for Validation at Work (HBR)


Originally published in HBR. Photo: Muriel de Seze/Getty Images.
Originally published in HBR. Photo: Muriel de Seze/Getty Images.

When you’re racking up wins, getting recognized, and growing professionally, work can boost confidence and well-being. But our workplaces can also be hotbeds for generating insecurity:


  • Unclear expectations and insufficient feedback can leave you uncertain about your performance and foster self-doubt.

  • Competition and comparisons with peers can promote feelings of inadequacy.

  • Hard work goes unrecognized and biases are overlooked, causing you to question your contributions and value.

  • Social media platforms like LinkedIn create the illusion that everyone is excelling, triggering thoughts of not measuring up or falling behind.


These common dynamics of the daily work experience undermine self-confidence and make it easy to seek validation from external sources. To be sure, we all doubt ourselves at times, and wanting to be seen and valued by others is healthy and natural. Who doesn’t welcome encouragement, appreciate the acknowledgment of their efforts and wins, or like to impress others occasionally?


However, relying on external validation to bolster self-worth is a losing game in the long run. We tether our self-esteem to the shifting tides of others’ judgment, and yet, their approval yields only a fleeting sense of accomplishment. Even more troubling, seeking affirmation can cloud judgment and lead us to sacrifice our values and authenticity.


Undeniably, understanding the success metrics of your role and how to get ahead in your organization is critical to your performance and career. But it is equally important to cultivate internal validation: a deeper sense of self-worth that is free from the wavering opinions of others and the momentary dopamine hit of a gold star.


Developing internal validation isn’t about cultivating baseless confidence or inflating your ego. Rather, it’s about counterbalancing common workplace features that, left unchecked, can inadvertently undermine your confidence, self-esteem, and well-being. Implement these four strategies to balance your perspective and stay self-assured despite external pressures and challenging work environments.


Recognize that insecurity is not a personal flaw


Executive coaching clients sometimes share their self-doubts with me as though their insecurity is a personal flaw. However, much evidence suggests that insecurity is a rational reaction to cues from our workplaces and society. For example, while women are constitutionally as confident as men, they are also often diagnosed as suffering from imposter syndrome, as if it is some deficiency. Yet, feeling unsure or like an outsider is a reasonable and logical response to systemic bias and exclusion.


Problematically, when we judge our insecurities as a personal failing, we compound our negative feelings and intensify our desire for approval. But the more we seek affirmation from others, the more we set ourselves up to feel insecure, creating a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.


Instead, try to accept your feelings of insecurity or self-doubt as natural, given our individualistic, ambiguous, and often biased work environments. Recognize the human need for connection and belonging and the critical role work plays in your life. If you frequently seek reassurance or praise from your manager, rewire your self-talk to, “I want to do my best, so it’s natural that I want more directional feedback from my manager.”


The fact is that many external factors — including our upbringing, work environments, and societal pressures — can cause insecurity. Don’t point all five fingers at yourself and suffer a double whammy of self-recrimination.


Focus on your strengths


We live in a “fix-it” society, which leads us to believe that focusing on our weaknesses is the best way to improve. The problem? This notion is largely misguided.


Sure, we sometimes need to address skills gaps or develop new competencies. However, ample evidence shows that focusing on our strengths instead of our weaknesses is advantageous, increasing confidence and self-awareness, performance and innovation, and overall well-being.


Our negativity bias further compounds our culture’s emphasis on fixing what’s broken, leading us to overfocus on our deficits. The result: feeling insufficient and seeking more validation. To overcome these forces, a deliberate approach is necessary.


You’re likely aware of your general strengths — competencies and skills you have honed over time. However, you probably overlook many of your more natural abilities due to their inherent nature: they come so readily that you fail to notice, or dismiss them. Because your innate strengths are hard to see, it’s necessary to get external feedback to identify them. Ask trusted colleagues questions like:


  • When you think about me at my best, what qualities or skills come to mind?

  • If you were describing me to someone who didn’t know me, what strengths would you highlight?

  • What’s a way I add value to our relationship or team that I might overlook?


Write down what you learn from this exercise and start a file listing your natural and general strengths. Additionally, start adding wins or positive feedback to your file on an ongoing basis. When you find your attention drawn back to your weaknesses or you’re feeling full of self-doubt due to events at work, review your file to remind yourself of your positive attributes, contributions, and value.


Focusing on your strengths is not about getting stuck in your comfort zone or not pushing yourself. Rather, it’s a quicker and happier path to higher performance.


Broaden your definition of success


Societal expectations often shape how we define success, and many of us unconsciously inherit definitions of success from our parents or upbringing. The workplace — emphasizing accomplishments, external metrics, and climbing the ladder — can further distort and narrow our view. Defining success broadly and on our own terms allows us to better align with our values and unhook from chasing workplace approval.


To clarify what success means for you, consider all the important domains of your life; for instance, personal relationships, career, health, and community. Ask yourself questions like, “What values do I want my life to reflect?” or “What do I want to achieve personally and professionally?” Imagine your ideal life in 10 to 20 years and identify what would make you proud and fulfilled.


For each of the core domains of your life, establish specific and achievable objectives that align with your definition of success. For example, after years of chasing recognition and promotions to boost her self-esteem, my client Sora redefined success as living a more balanced, values-driven life. She set goals around fostering deeper family relationships and personal growth and chose measures such as dedicating two evenings a week to family time and prioritizing meaningful projects over high-profile ones at work.


Defining success on your own terms and expanding outside the professional realm requires self-awareness and potentially the courage to challenge societal expectations. But doing so ensures that your pursuit of success is intentional, balanced, and most importantly, personally meaningful to you alone.


Audit your relationships


Strong, supportive relationships are essential to our well-being and independence. Indeed, in their absence, we’re more likely to turn inward and struggle with insecurity. For instance, overly critical parents can cause their children to feel insufficient, micromanaging bosses plant seeds of self-doubt in their direct reports, and social groups that emphasize status and material success can amplify insecurity in people who don’t meet those standards.


While we can’t choose everyone we work with, we can actively seek and build professional connections that nurture and encourage us. Positive, high-quality social support — work friends, coworkers, and mentors — not only reduces feelings of insecurity but mitigates its impact, fostering a greater sense of belonging and enhancing our ability to manage stress and anxiety.


Think about your workplace relationships, reflecting on how they impact your well-being and sense of self. Ask yourself:


  • Do I feel supported and valued in this relationship?

  • How do I typically feel after spending time with them? Energized, or drained?

  • Does this person encourage my growth or hold me back?


After auditing your relationships, consider how you can strengthen the connections that uplift and nurture you and minimize your exposure to coworkers who chip away at your self-confidence and emotional well-being.


The fact is that the quality of our work relationships matters greatly, affecting our job satisfaction and performance, levels of exhaustion and burnout, and overall well-being and health. If important work relationships reliably damage your self-concept and confidence — and you’re unable to minimize your exposure or shift them — you may want to consider looking for a healthier work environment.


Changes to the organizational systems and behaviors that contribute to feeling insecure at work may never come. There will always be bad bosses, poor communication, favoritism, and lack of recognition at work that may lead to occasional bouts of self-doubt. But by recognizing that self-doubt isn’t a personal flaw, focusing on your strengths, broadening your idea of success, and cultivating supportive relationships, you can safeguard your self-confidence and break free from the trap of relying on others for validation.

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